Friday, February 21, 2014

It's Time To Get Real

So I've decided to be real and to be me. To be the real me that God made me to be. To be the me that is messy, sloppy, has bad morning breath, hates sucking in. To be the me that has split ends and acne at almost 35 years of age. To be the me that bloats from all foods and all drinks and belches better than any man who just downed a six pack of beer.

I have decided to document my life when I feel like it, because let’s be honest…I start a whole lot that I never even finish. I fall in love with many ideas and creations often and then tire myself of them. Like that song you hear that you love and listen to repeatedly until you finally have had enough. In reality, this may be a total waste of my time and yours because I probably won’t ever come back and write another blog…like, ever.

To let everyone know that yes, I prefer to be alone. I don’t really care for girl’s night out…I would much rather you come over to my house and let’s chit chat, eat yummy,  bad –for- us- foods and then you can leave or stay…whichever. Just don’t make me get out. To show you all that yes, I hate the fact that I weighed 98 pounds in high school and am much bigger now, but just don’t have the motivation to do anything about it. I love food and at times loathe my body…but I just don’t care. (until swimsuit season)

To let you all know that I hurt physically, like…almost every day. That I get tired of pretending I am okay and feel fine. That I would much rather stay home and clean, cook, be creative with photography, drawing and painting… and have the option to rest/nap whenever my body told me I needed it,  than I would to have a normal job. That my dream is to be that woman one day; the stay at home wife (maybe even mother). And I so wish that tomorrow was the first day of that life. In the meantime, I have to say that I am so thankful for the job I have now. It allows me the option of working from home on days I am really not well and it allows a creative outlet for me. It really is the best job I have ever had...until I can be the "at home" woman. 

To share that I am so sick of the lack of sleep I get. Not because I can't sleep...but because I dream, toss, turn and snore all night every night. I wake up so much more tired than when I went to bed. That it takes me longer to get ready in the morning than most people. Not because I spend forever to get dressed and dolled up, but because I have to wake up with coffee, games, devotionals, and allow my body time to warm up and release the tension and pain I feel upon waking. 

To let you know that I can’t stand people’s blatant meanness, jealousy or ignorance… That I have a difficult time with “letting it go”. To put it out there that I can’t stand when people are so negative ALL…THE…TIME! That people can be so miserable and then put it off on me or take it out on me. UGH! Gets me crazy!!

 To share that I don’t care about sentence structure or proper usage of punctuation marks. Honestly, I had to ask someone what you even call “periods, comma’s, exclamation points, etc…” because I couldn’t remember the word “punctuation”. To show you through my writing that all due to my brother, I use “…”(dot, dot, dot) all the time now, even when I shouldn’t. I can’t even type a proper sentence now because of him. It is all he ever uses and it rubbed off on me.
And interruptions, wow…they really get under my skin and since writing this, I have been interrupted 4 times.

To let you all know that when I went through my divorce, most of the people I thought would be here for me were not and people I never expected to be here for me…were. That I rarely received calls and texts to check on me from those I love the most and that it really opened my eyes. That although I hurt and cried and was in the most intense pain, ever…I survived. That even though I still love my ex and always will, and I never want to disrespect him or what we shared...I am now in the happiest, healthiest relationship of my life. That I can’t even begin to describe the love he and I have for one another and that the honest, open, trusting and loving bond we share blows my mind every…single…day!!! 

So there you have it. I could seriously go on and on. I am flawed and messy, random and maybe even have ADHD as I re-read what I wrote and it jumps around so much, as I do. I am so tired of the perfect personas I see every day online, in magazines, on TV and in movies. I want to embrace my kooky, could-stand-to-loose-a-few-pounds-but-love-food-too-much messiness because me being messy, means God has to clean those spots. And I want Him to. I want to admit to it so that He can work on me from the inside out. 

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