Without Regard

Two of the most memorable events in my life (one life changing) held no recognition of skin color.

Saturday, May 9, 2015 was the first event. I am 36 years of age and have been trying for a child since 2002. God never saw fit for me to be a mother during this time. I was married from 2002-2013 and we never had children. I so desperately wanted them, though. Friends and even strangers all around me were having children. I watched as their children were turning 2, then 4, then 12 and on and on; all this while I longed deeply for that mother/child bond. I have to be honest and say that I would get upset with God from time to time.

In 2014 I re-married. I began experiencing some female issues shortly after and was in and out of the doctor’s office. In early May 2015 I was told I would need to see a surgeon. I scheduled an appointment. On May 9, 2015 I was with my spouse in Rite-Aid. I did not feel like getting out that day. I remember so well that all I wanted to do was lie around and watch movies. He really wanted me to go with him and I couldn’t say no to those puppy dog eyes he gives me so I pulled my hair back and walked out the door…dreadfully.

I was looking at the nail polish colors when someone put their hand on my back.

“You’re not a mother.” She said

“No, I’m not.” I replied as I turned to see who was addressing me.

Before me was a beautiful older black woman with the BRIGHTEST blue eyes I have ever seen in my life; her eyes literally took my breath away.

“You’re not a mother, but you’re going to have a great Mother’s Day.” She went on.

(Me to myself – who is this woman?)

We settle into a polite conversation when suddenly she touches my stomach and says:

“You have a lot of problems going on inside of you. Doctors are going to want to run tests and remove things from you.” She explained. “Do NOT let them!” she said with conviction.

“Doctors aren’t always right.” She proceeded. “You just pray and God will handle your female issues and just don’t let anyone touch you surgically.”

Now as she is saying all of this I am standing in awe. My husband, Brandon, walks up and gives me this look like “Why are you telling this woman all of your business, do you know her?” My eyes answer “I’m just as confused as you are!”

All I can do is keep saying “Yes ma’am, yes ma’am.”

She then hugs me and begins to pray as she touches my stomach, asking God to heal me and to give me a child. She tells Him that I have longed for one many years while asking God to bless Brandon and me both with a child, even if it is twins.

Peaceful, teary eyed and confused I say “Thank you.” And look to my husband who is holding back tears. She tells us goodbye and says “Don’t worry, the next time I see you, you will be walking hand in hand with your child, or twins.” And she winks.

"Did you see her eyes! They were so blue!!" my husband said.

I sit in complete shock in the car on the way home and as soon as I hit the door to my house, I collapse and sob for all the years I wanted a positive pregnancy test. I sobbed for the hope I had given up on. I sobbed for the hope springing forth in my heart like a well. I simply sobbed.

In July/August I had more problems and the appointment with the surgeon had passed, I didn’t go. I NEEDED to go, the doctor informed me. I told him “not just yet.” The end of September came and I was so extremely overwhelmed with work and everything going on that I needed to just get away with my husband. We spent a weekend in a nearby town and relaxed. Even so, I still felt easily agitated and irritable. I felt sick and had this overall feeling of the blahs. I couldn’t shake it.

We proceeded with our hectic schedules and life resumed as normal. I was still feeling fatigued and drained, feeling ill. Finally one night while shopping, on a whim, I grabbed a test. I fully believed it would be negative, but if you are a woman, you know Murphy’s Law or Aunt Flow’s Law as well as I do and when you are ready for things to get going, you understand that buying a test almost always leads to what you need to happen. It had been that way for me since 2002 anyway, as my tests were always negative and then immediately I would have my friendly reminder that I wasn’t “with child.”

So at home I took the test and for the 1^st time in 13 years, I walked away from it. In the past I had always hovered and begged, pleaded, prayed and then cried or threw the test when it said “negative”. So I just walked out and proceeded with my nightly routine. After some time passed, I went into the bathroom and saw the test there on the tub. “Oh yeah” I thought. I bent to look at it.

PREGNANT

For the first time in my 36 years I was completely speechless and had not one single thought. I am currently almost 22 weeks with 1 child. Not twins as what I like to call the “Angel” said may happen. Although I did think it would be…what with the wink and all and saying she would see us with our child, or twins ;)

I asked the Cashier that day before leaving if she knew that nice lady and she advised “No, I never saw her before.”

That encounter will always be something that I carry with me. It will always be a precious moment in time I will never forget and will always be grateful for.

Another event occurred just yesterday. Yesterday was just a BAD day…all around. I left work and headed to the store. I got in line behind an older, grey haired gentleman. There was no cashier.

“She’s gone, but will be back.” He said.

We smiled and talked for a moment. I can’t recall why…unless I just like to shout it into the world, but I told him I was expecting. He came and hugged me and got as excited as my friends and family did when I told them. We began talking and he started speaking blessings over me and my child. Eventually the conversation turned into a comedy as he was hysterical and had me laughing so hard I was crying and everyone was looking.

During this time a woman and the cashier came back. I asked the woman if this man was her father, and he was. I told her “He is an awesome man!”

She was finished with her transaction, but her dad wouldn’t leave my side. As we stood there, he began telling me funny stories and talking about my pregnancy glow as he unloaded my cart. Now, this may not seem like anything significant, but I always look for a way to help others at the store or in line anywhere. I let people break, I help unload, I pay for their milk and bread, etc.

No one ever assists me at the store. Not that I keep record, but when someone begins to give of themselves so selflessly, it resonates. It is something you remember.

I told him that he needed to go with his daughter, but they were both insistent that he stay and help me. I was grateful.

These two moments in my life were brief but left a lasting impact. And it showed me that people who truly care for one another do not see skin color. In today’s society where almost daily something concerning racism comes across my phone, computer or television set, it was so refreshing to share memorable, fun, compassionate moments with someone else that included laughter, hugs, and even hands placed on my belly without regard once to skin color.

May you bless or be blessed by someone today and not once give thought to the color of their skin.

Love, 
Rachel

Will It Define You?

I am 35 years old. I was married for ten years and desperately wanted children. I never had any. It was not because I couldn't have them; it was because my partner did not want children. I know women who can’t have children because of medical reasons. If my heart breaks because my body could have children, yet it wasn't “allowed” to by another, I can only imagine the pain a woman must feel in knowing her own body has betrayed her.

Recently I read a beautiful post for mom’s over at http://www.whenathome.com concerning how lonely it can be as a mother. I can see where this is very true. Women need female companionship and I imagine between the diapers, soccer games, school plays, parent/teacher conferences, teething babies and more, that motherhood can strip you of the beautiful bonding experience you can only have with another woman. I stand in awe of the women who can balance motherhood and being a wife. Add to that those women who also have careers, are frequent members at their churches, volunteer their time to others and more…I seriously and sincerely stand up and applaud you. I don’t know how you do it.

99% of my friends, family members and co-workers have children. You get to an age where everyone around you starts announcing their pregnancy. Slowly, one by one, the friends that you used to talk to on the phone for hours or meet up with for lunch become very few and far between. The invitations to a cookout become invitations to a child’s Birthday Party. The talks over coffee become a quick text just checking in. The once uninterrupted phone conversations turn into a battle between getting a word in and waiting for the baby to stop crying.

Being a woman who wants a child in a world where everyone around you has one or multiple can be very lonely.

When I was married, my husband had a career that kept him away from home many nights. There are only so many TV shows, cartons of ice-cream, music playlists and loads of laundry that can keep you occupied before you realize that the sound of a cry would be a welcome relief to the emptiness and loneliness surrounding the core of your heart.

I couldn't simply grab the phone and call my friend for a chat when the loneliness set in. She had too many things going on with her family. The most difficult thing to realize was that not only did I not have the family I longed for, I didn't have the friendships I longed for either.

It is very easy to be misunderstood being a woman who has no children. Mothers tend to look at you with jealousy. I mean, we can sleep whenever we want to, right? We can take a bath and eat without interruption. We don’t have to spend a lot of money at Christmas. If we want to leave for a vacation, we can afford it.

For us though, there are many sleepless nights that keep us awake from the desire within to have a child that may never be fulfilled. The baths would be more fun if they included bubbles and toys. Shopping at Christmas would have a more magical feeling if it involved trips to see Santa and hiding gifts so little eyes wouldn't see. Vacations would be more meaningful watching little feet feel the sand for the first time.

It is easy to let this loneliness turn into resentment and work its way into your heart. I recall many Easter Sunday’s standing back crying. I had no children running to find eggs. I had no little girl to clothe in a new dress for Church.

Birthday Party invitations with cute characters went directly to the bottom of the mail pile. I didn't want to attend a party where I knew I would feel isolated as I watched all of my friend’s children becoming friends.

It hurt deeply at family gatherings to watch my cousins’ toddlers playing with each other and realizing that even if I had a child today, he/she would never be at an age close enough to create that special bond I was seeing develop before my eyes with the others.

I was allowing the loneliness to turn into bitterness and resentment until one day I realized that closing my heart was not the answer. I had a choice. I could let the negative thoughts consume me; like the thought of “When I turn 60 and my friends are spending the weekend with their grandchildren, I will still be alone.” I could allow the hurt to prevent me from creating memories with my family and friends or I could wipe the tears and open my eyes to the beauty around me and within me.

There is beauty in the brokenness I feel as a woman without a child. It forces me to grow stronger in my own skin. It empowers me to invest in myself, my creativity, and my spirituality. It allows me the opportunity to be the “Cool Aunt” to my niece and nephews.

Now that I am older, it may be more difficult for me to have children. Thankfully, I have found a man I will be marrying that wants children as badly as I. However, maybe now I am at an age where it will be nearly impossible to get pregnant if at all. Maybe I will go through life without ever reaching the milestones only mothers will get to experience.

If that happens:

If I never get to hold my newborn baby.

If I never get to take my child to school on their first day.

If I never hold my daughter during her first heartbreak.

If I never become a grandmother.

If I never become pregnant.

It will not define who I am as a person.

Yes, I will continue to answer “No” when asked “Do you have any children?”

Yes, I will to continue to fumble over my words when questioned “Why?”

But No, I will not be less than.

I will not let the loneliness turn my heart cold. I refuse to waste my life worrying. I will not beat myself up for wasted years. I will not see myself as anything other than a woman who is awesome and strong and beautiful. I will stand tall in who I am and I will see the beauty around me. I will hold my friends newborn today and grandchild tomorrow. I will dance and laugh and play with my niece and nephews. I will go to that Birthday Party when I feel like it and politely decline when I don’t. I will see the beauty that comes from my brokenness.

My heart is what defines me. It is what defines you?